steph

i just re-read what i have written before i went away for the weekend, about the twitch and guess what...its gone. i have no idea when it disappeared, but its gone. i am not going to have a nervous breakdone and my eye is not going to explode. much happier now.

sweet dreams...

Last weekend i escaped from college to spend a few days with my mum in berlin. i was seriously thinking about staying there, partly because i like berlin and partly because my course was doing my head in.

as it so happens i got ill on the second day. typical isnt it. i should have known as it was the first time in months i had a few days off without any work/ duties/ to do lists etc and i guess my body saw the unexpected chance of recovery.

but the whole weekend, including illness, helped to re-charge my batteries. i got my spirits back and feel a lot better. thanks again janna for putting me up for the night, much appreciated. i found the landeszentrale and spend €28! didnt have time to look for my shoes though. just for explanation: i have a pair of trainers, which (now in its second generation) i have been wearing for years and years, cos they are the best pair of trainers ever. and now the manufacturers decided to stop producing them or at least to stop selling them in the uk. why? i have seen an updated version of them and you know how sequels to movies are never as good as the first part and remakes are usually a waste of time, well, same here. why, i ask myself, why? so i have been in every shop, and i mean every shop, to find them, but without any success, so i guess i'll have to buy them online from the states. how crap.

anyway, i am back in newcastle now, feeling better and have been eagerly anticipating the first day back at college. and i dont know what happened, some bird must have sung about me being pissed off, cos everybody is suddenly really nice to me. big grins, 'had a nice weekend? 'you alright?', bigger grins. WTF? people, eh? and even more surprisingly they turned up on time for our rehearsal. not sure whether this was real or i imagined it in some delirious state of my illness or dimmed by painkillers. whatever the reason, i hope it lasts.

have to try on some costumes now, no, not for the course, we have a moulin rouge party shortly, one of many in a row of themed nights. yes, still working hard.

there are some days that are really good...

...like last saturday. durham convention. had a brilliant time. learned a few new things, improved some existing patterns, had a nice passing session too (this is juggling i'm talking about by the way) and generally was surrounded by nice people, some i havent seen for months, and enjoyed a superb show. so, all in all, i had a good day.

then there are some days that are not so good...

...like yesterday. it wasnt a bad day really, but not a particularly good one either. why? cos i didnt do fuck all and i felt really bad about being lazy, especially looking at my overly long todo-list. but hey, we all got to have days like this once in a while.

and then there are some days you wish you had never left your warm and cosy bed...

...like today. i dragged myself out of bed this morning. and i really mean that quite literally. it involved pulling myself up by my hair and talking me into leaving the bed and the house. it was early. tuesdays i usually get a bit of a lie in, cos we dont start till half twelve (12.30 that is). now this particular day we arranged to meet for a project we have to do for one of our modules. 9.30. in the morning. i was running late and hurried to college. i hate being late, even if its just 5 or 10 minutes. anyway, when i arrived at around 9.35 no one else was there. i checked the library, our 'academy', the student centre. no one. got a few text messages by that time, sorry running late blabla. at 10.30 the first person turned up. now i might be a little pedantic there (me being german might have something to do with it as well), but being an hour late is seriously taking the piss in my humble opinion. but as i said this was when the first person (after me) arrived. the last to finally join us turned up another hour later. why is time a concept that some people just fail to grasp? especially wasting mine. and for stupid reasons like 'i couldnt be asked this morning, cos i'm having such a hangover'. well, tough. if you cant handle the drinking dont go out. especially on a fucking monday, how sad is that. in fact i couldnt care less. if somebody thinks that is an appropriate way of spending their time, fair enough, what's it to me. but if i have to sit around, waiting, wasting time, thats just not fair is it? or am i being complicated here?

i am well pissed off and was so angry i nearly cried. i was seriously considering leaving the course, cos i am not prepared to put up with this for the next two years. but then, you cant even say anything, cos you're gonna be the stupid spoil-sport. ridiculous. unprofessional. annoying. giving me the twitch! the what? the twitch.

you know when sometimes your eyelid starts twitching for no apparent reason. just a few seconds, couple of minutes maybe. sometimes you can even see it. not sure what it is, but it looks like a tiny muscle got some issues which it needs to sort out by, well, twitching. tiny spasms. its quite annoying isnt it. well, i had to put up with this now for over two weeks. no idea what it is or why. i think i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown or something and thats just the first indicators, no idea. but it is starting to really do my head in. and funnily enough i think it's connected with my course. stress? maybe. being pissed off? definitely. what if it's not ever gonna stop again and i am stuck with this for life. not a happy thought.

i think i'll stop the ranting now. eye still twitching...

...just booked tickets to fly to berlin over the weekend. cant wait.

A few months ago i came across this quite intriguing concept of creating a list with 101 things to do before you die/ hit 30/40/50/whatever. everybody should have one. so i started thinking about things i wanted to achieve/ have done in my life.

after the usual 'save somebody's life, meet the queen and write a book' i quickly ran out of ideas. 101 things is quite a lot. so i started listing all the places i wanted to see individually and included a long list of things i'd like to learn. i'm still stuck at around 90 and some of them are rather silly. so, whats the problem of coming up with 101 things. i mean, it's not that many things, in a whole life time. maybe i am not ambitious enough. but then it also has to be realistic, some things just take time, a lot of education and often money. it also somehow feels necessary to only list meaningful things, not like 'learn to boil an egg' (better stick that one down now).

also...most of the REALLY important things i'd like to achieve i cant really plan. wouldnt we all like to be rich, famous, beautiful and super-intelligent? but where to start? and what about general happiness, how do you 'achieve' that? or meeting mr right? quite some plan...there's quite a big difference between things that are kinda worldly and those that happen within (you know, like learning about oneself, becoming a better person and such things).

and also...they change dont they, life's goals. what was important two years ago might not be of any relevance now. quite interesting though to think about what matters in one's life. i know the whole thing is a bit silly, cos plans like that never work anyway and things always happen differently to the way we think, which keeps the whole thing interesting i suppose.

i guess its quite good to have some sort of plan. especially when a phase in your life comes to an end. what next? no idea how many times this particularly annoying question has come up in the past few years. but instead of just drifting along it might be quite good to have some backup ideas that can help to overcome the problem. maybe one should just keep it as a todo-list and work on the points one by one. like little projects. hm...guess i'll better be winning that oscar soon, otherwise i dont have enough time to invent this really useful thing before i announce world peace...

...now, why did i mention this again? ah, yes, cos i just ticked one thing of the list. point 22: learn to juggle 5 balls. tick. 32 catches is not immense but qualifies as fulfilling this particular point i think.

next thing on my list...cook dinner

so long

3 days without the internet. no emails, no bank statements, no looking up the name of that guy who played in that movie with that girl who fell in love with this other guy, no contact to the 'real' world.

today i'm back online though and happily been downloading spam for the past half hour. oh, the joys...

i was well impressed though with the technical expertise of our housekeeper in his attempt to fix the damn thing. he took the plugs out...he put them back in...

...this worked by the way. i wish he could do the same with our heating, which hasnt been working at all. not that i mind living in a fridge, it kinda forces you to train your survival skills and whoever said that there is no such thing as bad weather - only wrong clothes...? at least one of the cookers seems to work now, well, almost. i tried to make some pizza last week and after one hour on full power the bloody thing was still frozen in the middle. i know, my cooking skills are pathetic, and i have been known to actually mess up a frozen pizza. do i know the difference between the grill and the oven? but this time...in the end i gave up and after it was half-done i put it in the mircowave, for pure heat. it was a bit wobbly like.

apart from these occassional hiccups taking over my life, not having the internet meant at least that i could actually get on with my life. my course is starting to speed ahead and i am seriously beginning to doubt that i will have time to do all the stuff they are asking for. for next week for example i have to learn a monologue (to performance standard) and the text for a couple of scenes in 'the birds' (greek comedy by aristophanes), then i have to come up with at least 10 different ideas of a set design for hamlet (any ideas, anybody...?) and of course keep up with research, my personal log, exercises etc etc. this IS a full-time course! i think it's all really interesting and great (yes, still), but its a steep learning curve and you really have to keep up with the work. maybe this will finally teach me to be a little bit more pro-active and dont try to do everything at the last minute (yeah, right...as if).

ok, folks, back to the books

one more thing...who is the german chancellor now? (i never got to vote by the way, cos they couldnt be bothered to send me a postal vote thingy. how cheeky is that? maybe i got a claim for re-elections here...)

every piece of my body is aching. and there is no end to it. they make us work really, really hard. i have done more spinal rolls this week than in my entire life collectively up to this point. but its not only the physical work, we constantly have to concentrate and take in new impressions, while still trying to learn the names of the other class members. this week they've covered us in work: research, reading, selecting plays, writing monologues, creating characters, practising our exercises and keeping track of everything we are doing. at the moment i really have no idea how i could possibly fit a job into this. i know in a few weeks things will have settled down a bit and there might be some routine going on, but till then.

another concern is that everyone in my flat seems to be ill, apart from me that is. and i really dont want to be ill. if you miss one lesson you are falling so far behind. i really dont get some of my class mates who only turn up every other day.

some people got a weird attitude anyway. i mean, we are there to learn and practise, but they dont actually want to do that. i know the movement classes are very demanding, but you just have to get stuck into it and bite your way through instead of only moaning, not turning up or simply taking the piss. these classes are supposed to build our stamina, flexibility and bodily awareness, all things that are probably quite beneficial and important in this industry. but some people are not prepared to get on with it. also...there is already some bitchiness going on. oh, the professionalism. i overheard some really nasty comments today, which really upset me. they weren't about me, but just the fact that some people just have to make negative comments about someone else's performance is very sad. in an environment like this i think its important to trust the other people and have a feeling of security, cos we are still experimenting with our abilites. and how can you possibly develop and open yourself to new things if you constantly hear some nasty whispers in the background? does this make sense? i was very disappointed, cos i thought that the people in this course should be grown up enough to avoid such behaviour. we should be encoraging each other and not put each other down. there's enough people out there who do that anyway.

enough of that...people...who'd want them...actors...who needs them...

so, apart from that...the course content seems alright, loads to do, but also loads to learn, which is good.

i have a long weekend ahead of me now (we get mondays off) and will be going to the manchester convention tomorrow, just to test my body even further (see how much it can take), and then i shall sleep for a day or two.

by the way, i think its really cute that you all reply in english. just to let you know: i am still capable of speaking the german language and i have no intention of giving it up, its only laziness that makes me write everything in english.

karin was making a comment that she would like to know more about how i ended up here, so...here it goes....

i was halfway through my last degree when i had to face the question (yet again) what i actually wanted to do with my life. not an easy one to answer is it? so i started to think about all the things i didnt want to do. in the end there wasnt much left really, apart from acting. so i started collecting application forms for drama schools, made pictures, summarised my experience, wrote about my aims, reasons and expectations and send the whole lot out. then i prepared monologues. i did prepare them by myself and rehearsed them in my room. luckily enough we were doing monologues in my drama group at that point, so i had feedback and support for my pieces. i prepared Saint Joan (Joan of Arc) by Bernard Shaw; Queen Margaret, Imogen, Goneril and Ophelia from Shakespeare, Grace in the Ruling Class by Peter Barnes and Elizabeth in Mary Stuart by Schiller. i mainly performed Saint Joan during the auditions.

the newcastle college was the first school i auditioned for and got offered a place straight away. so i was quite in a good mood for the other auditions, only to face one rejection after the next. to be fair, for the first few i didnt really prepare, so i'm not surprised i wasnt offered a place. but in the end i did prepare and i felt i was improving. my favourite audition was for central in london. i thought i was actually really alright and happy with my performance. i didnt get in, but that didnt really matter, cos i had learned something and felt improvement.

the whole audition process can be quite daunting. but i think you should really take it as a game and dont take rejection personal. its hard, but i'm getting quite good at it. sometimes you are just not what they're looking for, regardless talent or ability. i am glad i understood this during the audtions as it will probably be quite useful for the future, cos rejection is something actors have to deal with on a daily basis. i actually enjoyed the auditions and got a lot out of it.

so, i went to newcastle college. it had quite a good feel to it, the people and the building are nice (we've got a whole new superb space - the 'performance academy', how posh is that!!) and the course sounded really good too. to be honest some of the drama schools i've visited i didnt really fancy. obviously they are good schools (i only applied to the creme de la creme), but somehow...some where really run down and triste, some were unfriendly, some lifeless. central would have been a nice option, i liked it there, and cardiff was alright as well, but mainly for the location and not the college i think. somehow my application to bristol old vic got lost int he post (i forgot to put stamps on...) and returned after 4 months(!) without being delivered (our postal service is great, isnt it?), so i didnt get a chance to audition there, which would have been very nice as i think i would have liked that school.

so far newcastle seems like the right place for me. i like the city, i like the college (even though its administration is ...well, challenged....), i like the course. we've been told that this is our course, so if we want something to happen or take place we can approach our tutors and they see what they can do about it. not sure how much use we are going to make of this, but i think they like us to be quite pro-active and independent, instead of following 100 years of tradition and history to be moulded accordingly.

i hope i'm right...i'll let you know.

actually i have to start with the bad things. the baaaaad things! my car. its a lovely car and it served me quite well in the past 2 years, bringing me to all the exciting places in this country and helping me to earn moeny by getting me to work. unfortunately it a little bit ill, so when i brought it to its annual check up a few things were wrong with it. to get it fixed, just so that it can pass the mot (tüv) it is gonna to cost me the proud sum of...hold on...450 fucking pounds!! yep. thats 2 months rent, a nice holiday, nearly half of my tuition fees or food for a decade. not happy.

but some good things are happening as well. my course is progressing nicely and i learn a lot. it's tiring and hard work, but good. i really enjoy all the physical work. and as some might know...sport activities were never my favourite pastime, but the sort of thing we are doing is really fun and its nice to push the body further and further, exploring its limits and actually finding some of the amazing things it can do. we are doing lots of movement and dance like things (not dance though) and warm ups. i'm exhausted and muscles i didnt even know existed are hurting, but in a few weeks time i should get used to it (hopefully anyway).

ah, yes, the surprising...i have finally managed to obtain a national insurance number, after 3 years. its a miracle. i'm well impressed and it took me only 1.5 hours to convince the guy interviewing me that i am not trying to cheat on benefits, illegally gain something out of it or wanting to overthrow the government. i simply want to pay taxes like every other resident/citizen/PERSON in this country. i WANT to, why are they making it so difficult for people. taking about eu and all that crap.

right, i think moaning time is over, i think i'll go and treat myself to some chocolate pudding to get over the shock. or icecream. or both....